(she won't break)
by planetaries
Summary: She drops pounds like they are pennies in the rain and she's teetering on the edge of sanity and underweight and loving and hating. /Justin leaves for college and Alex tries not to break.


**title:** (she won't break.)

**words:** 2,270

**trigger warnings:** vivid descriptions of an eating disorder; please do not read if this is triggering in any way.

[PART ONE]

His fingers trace her pale skin over her blue veins and he wonders for a second if this is wrong before he decides it doesn't matter anymore. He traces the contours of her body and she sighs, and that's when he knows this is wrong.

The sound of a phone call breaks them apart. Five minutes later, the front door of the apartment slams open, and they are fully clothed again and watching reruns of some old show on the couch, opposite ends.

"You guys aren't fighting," Theresa muses with a small laugh.

Justin smirks. "Actually, we just…made up."

"Yeah," Alex agrees, distracted. "We sure did."

"Good," Jerry says. "You should probably get packing, Justin. When's your flight again?"

Alex stomach twists in a knot. She had forgotten Justin was leaving tomorrow. _(How could she possibly forget?)_

[PART TWO]

"I love you, Alex," he whispers in her ear, and chills run up and down her spine. Her heart is beating faster than ever, and he gives her a look that no one but her can read. _He loves her._

She watches him carefully, trying to keep her emotions in check, because _god forbid_ she actually care about someone before her parents are suspicious of her.

Justin boards the plane and stares out the window from his seat in 4A. He can just make out his sister—he hates that word—watching from the terminal. The light refracts, and he can see one pale tear streaming down her face.

The plane takes off, leaving Alex on the ground to collect memories like dust that he left behind.

[PART THREE]

Justin tries to settle in his dorm later that night. All he can think of the miles, all 1,087 miles. There's too many, he's too far away. His roommate isn't coming back this semester, so he displays the framed picture of Alex right next to his bed. No one knows that's his sister, not anymore.

He runs around campus four times to run off the jet lag, and the feeling that he should be home with Alex.

[PART FOUR]

Alex bends over the toilet, clutching her stomach. She's hates this feeling. She retches twice, and she can barely keep her eyes open, she's so tired. Theresa runs into the bathroom and helps her daughter up.

"Alex, _mija,_ are you alright? What happened?"

Alex refrains from rolling her eyes. "Must've picked up a bug at the airport," Alex says, trying to walk straight to her room. Theresa takes her temperature. "103, Alex. You're burning up. Lay down, I'll get you some water and some Tylenol. And then try to get some sleep."

As much as she hates this feeling, she's thankful she has an excuse to stay in bed and not think about her brother—dammit, she hates that word—who left her behind.

[PART FIVE]

Two weeks later, Alex has gotten better, physically, at least. Mentally, she feels like Justin has wounded her and she can't find it in herself to heal. She gets that she didn't have a choice, and he's left before. This time feels different—like he's leaving _her_.

Everything feels out of her control.

She doesn't know what to do this time. Justin's winter break was the closest they've ever been. All these years of secret keeping all paid off when he admitted he was in love with her, too. She told him over Thanksgiving, six months after they had gotten together. She wishes she could have summer back, when Justin was hers.

[PART SIX]

She likes having an empty stomach. It makes her feel in control. And after being sick for nearly two weeks, she's used to it. It's ridiculous to think this is what life is now—eat breakfast, actually go to gym class to burn some of it off, eat lunch, get rid of it [damn, it hurts], walk the twelve blocks to the gym and work out for an hour. Don't keep dinner down. It's only been two months, but she's spiraled further down than she even thought she could.

She hates it, she really does. She hates the way that she doesn't have control anymore, even though she thought she had all the control in the world. It slipped from her fingertips and, well, she isn't sure how to grab the reins and get her life back.

[PART SEVEN]

She jogs back home from the gym, her brown hair tied up in a ponytail and sweat dripping down her back. She grabs the mail and her stomach drops. There's a letter addressed to her with no return address and she can tell it's from Justin because it's his writing and she just knows.

It's these handwritten notes that he hasn't sent her in over a month that she missed. They're better than any phone call, because he can writes whatever wants to and no one but her will ever know.

_I miss you._

That's all it says.

She rips it in half and throws it in the trash in her room and makes a pan of brownies and eats them all, and then sticks her fingers down her throat and then she goes to her room and cries, telling her mother she's too upset to eat _(which is true)_.

[PART EIGHT]

Justin calls her seven times on her cell phone the next day. Once during English and twice during lunch, twice during math and twice while she's at the gym after school, and she doesn't answer. He calls the house and Theresa picks up. Alex picks up the other line and listens to her mother tell Justin that her daughter isn't herself lately.

Alex lets a tear slide down her face before she hangs up the phone. She waits five minutes before she dials his number. It rings three times before Justin's phone goes to voicemail—_This is Justin Russo, I can't be at the phone right now so leave a message, I'll get back to you when I_—"Alex?"

"Justin," she chokes out, "I miss you." She hangs up the phone.

[PART NINE]

She's lost ten fifteen pounds in three months and maybe she isn't losing enough or maybe she couldn't afford to lose them in the first place. She isn't even sure anymore.

The gym has become sort of sick escape which would've thrown Alex through a loop even just six months ago. She's starting to wonder how long it will take until she's happy or in control or anything but this, miserable and spiraling out of control.

All she is certain about is that Justin has called her every single night and she answers when she isn't crying or running or doing her other exercises and she never calls him back if she misses it in the first place.

He misses her, and she him, and he's busy and he loves her and she's not busy and loves him, too. They talk about college and how Justin loves MIT and Justin's classes and Justin's new friends and Justin's awful roommate and Alex just misses Justin and she doesn't know what else to say about it.

[PART TEN]

Alex can hear her parents whispering about her in the middle of the night, when insomnia has taken over and she's counting pounds instead of sheep. They sound worried and it's clear that they have no idea what the hell is going on with her.

"—And she's barely eating—"

"—going to the bathroom after every meal and she—"

"—Thought I heard her throwing up, my God, I hope not—"

"I don't know how to help her, Jerry. I mean, maybe Justin—"

Alex rolls over and covers her ears, because she can't listen to this anymore.

[PART ELEVEN]

"Alex, can we talk?"

Alex shuts her eyes tightly, as if that will make him hang up the phone. "Justin, there's nothing to talk about."

"I'm coming in a month for spring break. I don't want you to be miserable. Mom and Dad and worried about you, and so am I. I need you to be okay, Alex. I love you, and I don't want you to miss me and hurt yourself or starve yourself or puke or whatever you're doing. I love you too much for you to do any of that. Get help."

"What are you talking about, Justin? I'm fine, dammit. Perfectly goddamn _fine_."

She slams down the phone and bursts into tears.

[PART TWELVE]

One week later, Theresa makes spaghetti, Alex's favorite. She takes it plain, no marinara sauce slathered on the pasta. She takes half of what she would have months ago, and she barely finishes what she has.

She excuses herself to the bathroom and gets rid of her dinner. But she's seeing red and can't remember if she had sauce so it must blood and then she's seeing black spots and the dizziness finally takes her over.

[PART THIRTEEN]

"Alex—!"

"Oh, my god, Jerry, call the ambulance! Quickly, Jerry!"

"Mom, what's going on? What happened to Alex?"

"Come on, we have to get her out of here. Max, help me, please."

[PART FOURTEEN]

"—damaged esophagus from purging—"

"—imbalance of electrolytes—"

"—eating disorder not otherwise specified—"

"—not underweight—"

"—contact a therapist—"

"—won't book a room unless she loses any more weight—"

"But she can come home with us?"

"We'll keep her overnight and we'll have a specialist come up and talk to her once she wakes up."

[PART FIFTEEN]

She doesn't get better. In fact, she gets worse. She drops pounds like they are pennies in the rain and she's teetering on the edge of sanity and underweight and loving and hating.

Justin calls every day now, and he calls her twice a day once they send her away, locking her up and forbidding her to do anything that might be considered wrong. She feels even worse about Justin now.

[PART SIXTEEN]

He visits her when he comes home for his break, alone. All the staff know is that he is Alex's boyfriend, because that's what he told them. He kisses her to take the pain away and all he knows is that she's scaring him and he loves her too much to let it continue and so he says to her that the only way he can still be in love with her like that is if she tries to stop hurting herself, because it's too hard to love her and watch her slow destruction.

She cries and promises that she'll try, for him.

[PART SEVENTEEN]

She tries. Therapy is hard, her roommate is skinner than her and they won't let her exercise and then make her eat ungodly amounts and she's not allowed to purge and she feels awful and fat all the time.

The way she thinks is wrong, the way she looks is wrong, the way she's living is wrong.

The way she's using magic is wrong; she's discovered that with the wave of her wand the food could disappear from her stomach and into thin air or something.

"Alex, what do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"You need to finish that, Alex."

"You've lost weight, no more visitors. I'm really sorry, Alex."

"Alex, honey, you have a call."

These four words make her beyond hopeful. It's Justin, sure enough. She's shaking as she clutches the payphone and her voice trembles. "Justin," she breathes. "Justin, I need to get out of here."

He sighs through the phone, his voice breaking. "Alex… you know you have to stay. I love you so much, and I need you to listen to them, and eat for them. You're beautiful. You may not believe me now, but you want to, and I want you to believe me, too… soon. I love you, and I want you to get better. You want to, too, I bet. Somewhere, deep down you know you want to recover."

Alex starts crying somewhere in the middle of his speech and so she listens to his breathing while she tries to slow down her own ragged sobs. "Thank you," she chokes out, before she nearly falls asleep to the sound of his breathing.

[PART EIGHTEEN]

She gets better, she does. Justin is the one to drive her home from the treatment center. On a three-day weekend he drives up to New York and drives her home after he kisses her slowly in the backseat of his rental car. He doesn't leave after he takes her home. She is exhausted, so he lies down next to her and they fall asleep holding each other.

[PART NINETEEN]

It takes a year and nine months and sixteen days until she considers herself recovered. She graduates and goes to another college approximately twenty-seven minutes away from his. They are boyfriend and girlfriend to absolutely everyone because it's a new city and no one knows them.

So he takes her to her favorite new cafes and she eats her favorite coffee cake and drinks her coffee with a dash of cream and three sugars. Justin kisses her on top of some of Boston's tallest buildings and she feels on top of the whole world.

[PART TWENTY]

And he feels like he's the luckiest man alive because he's got the girl that he loves and she loves him back and everything makes sense and next time he touches her, her smile lights up the whole world and he couldn't even care if this is wrong or not, because he loves her and that's all he can think of.

* * *

**author's notes:** please review if you're going to favorite, and review anyways if you are so inclined:)


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